


Armor Practicality

by JadelynTate



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Gen, Humor, POV Varric Tethras, how do they protect ANYTHING?!, in which I seriously question the practicality of certain armors, seriously, slightly cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 04:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8735083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadelynTate/pseuds/JadelynTate
Summary: In which Varric gets a good laugh at the Inquisitors gift for Dorian's birthday...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [organizedmess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/organizedmess/gifts).



> This is the result of me going to Emprise du Lion and realizing Dorian was in the Antaam-saar armor and was probably freezing. If you haven’t seen it, it’s…well, Qunari armor which should tell you a lot, lol. Anyway, I went in and then texted organizedmess and told her I wanted someone to write a fic. We talked and planned and then, well, she informed me quote “Seriously, if you don’t do it I’m not sure I can forgive you.” As I like my Sherlock-shaped friend and would rather keep her, I went into my office and…this is what came out. The first fic written on my new computer. It took longer than normal because I’m still getting used to the keyboard. :/

Everyone knew the Inquisitor had been working on something, though what that was, no one was privy to. All they’d really known was that it seemed to involve the hardest to find clothe and dragonling scales…lots and lots of dragonling scales. While Bull had no problem killing the dragonlings to get said scales, the fact they kept avoiding the actual high dragon was driving the Qunari mad. Varric also kept pointing out they were probably pissing said mama dragon off in the process, which was likely to make their inevitable fight with her that much harder. The Inquisitor had brushed Varric’s concerns away every time it was mentioned, which seemed to be every time they returned to Queen’s Ravine camp in the Hinterlands after a harvesting trip. The rest of the Inquisitors inner circle privately agreed with Varric but were keeping (mostly) quiet about it. 

It wasn’t until Dorian’s birthday that they finally found out what the dragonling scales were for. Apparently the Inquisitor had gotten the designs for a special Qunari armor, something that seemed to consist primarily of a some leather and ropes. It didn’t cover the arms, nor the midriff and looked completely impractical for protection, but the Inquisitor insisted he’d been told it was incredibly hard to harm, which Bull had confirmed. A lot of looks were sent around the Inquisitors quarters when it was presented with the type of flourish only Trevelyan seemed capable of. 

“I figured you were due for an upgrade and we’re heading out tomorrow for Emprise du Lion so…Happy birthday, Dorian!” the Inquisitor grinned, handing the armor over to the mage. It was only through strong force of will Varric didn’t burst into laughter at the distaste on Dorian’s face. Grinning, the rogue storyteller settled in for the show. 

“We are going to Emprise du Lion in the middle of winter after the river has frozen over and you want me to wear THIS?!” Dorian demanded, hands holding the offending garb away from his body like it would physically wrap itself onto his body if it got any closer. 

“It’ll protect you!” the Inquisitor insisted, grinning with delight. And I chose the coloring especially for you—reds and blues, since I know you like them so much!

“It’ll protect me from everything except the freezing cold, yes,” Dorian acquised, and Varric got the feeling he’d probably seen the armor before, back in Tevinter. The mage made a face and then looked seriously at the warrior he’d been sleeping with. “You know, there are easier ways to kill me…and more fun too, for the both of us.”

“He’s gonna freeze his dangly bits off in that thing!” Sera exclaimed. “Do it even have pants? Oh, oh, he could go pantsless! Bet you’d like that, eh Quizzie?” 

Varric wasn’t the only one to snort in laughter at that, though Cassandra’s was admittedly a lot less noticable than his and Bull’s. Dorian shot them all a glare as the Inquisitor’s face fell at the obvious lack of enthusiasm his gift had garnered from, well, everyone. 

The altus finally sighed in resignation. “Thank you for the gift, Trystan,” he told the Inquisitor, who looked at him with a slightly more hopeful gaze. Dorian paused and then added with a wicked smirk, “I suppose I could wear it…as long as you use that wonderfully talented body of yours to keep mine warm on the long winter nights.”

The look Dorian shot him at that would probably have heated them through at least a week in Emprise du Lion. Sera cackled, Bull laughed, and Cassandra sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. Next to him, Cole frowned as the two men bent their heads together over the armor, obviously not even talking about it. The spirit had the familiar quizzical look on his face he usually got whenever he stumbled upon something in someone’s head that he didn’t understand. The dwarf braced himself for whatever comment was about to come out of the kid’s mouth. 

“Varric, what is…‘cuddling’?” the spirit finally asked, pale eyes still fixed on the two lovebirds. Varric paused, mind shying away at just what type of cuddling the kid was no doubt hearing about in the two men’s heads. 

“It’s…,” he began and then shook his head. “No, you know what, kid, go ask Cassandra.”

Cole nodded and turned to the warrior, who thankfully hadn’t heard him. Varric was almost out the door downstairs when the Seeker’s voice bellowed down to him. 

“DWARF!!!!!” 

~~*~~

Varric should have known better than to think his amusement at Dorian’s armor would go unnoticed by the mage. And, as usual, the Vint managed to get his revenge in a particularly public fashion. 

“Why, Varric, you look dashing!” the mage exclaimed with a knowing smirk when the dwarf joined them a few months later in Suledin Keep, which had been taken over by the Inquisition once the demon Ishmael had been dealt with. “I’m so glad Cassandra and I mentioned to Trystan that you were due for new armor as well. The look suits you.” 

Nearby, the warrior smirked at him. 

“I’m killing you both in my next book,” he muttered, tugging on the stiff and too large Stone-bear armor the Inquisitor had gifted him with that morning.


End file.
